Being Chinese is something that I’ve always been proud of ever since I was born. I grew up being very studious. I don’t need to make friends since I prefer to be alone at all times. I have all the books I need to read during my free time. And I get to experience trying out new foods from my culture (no meat, of course, only vegetables and seafood). One thing I love being Asian is that I get to celebrate Chinese New Year every February (or January, depending on when the moon is taking place); my family and I exchange money to one another for good luck and fortune. I also love eating with chopsticks; when I was little, I used to have a lot of trouble learning how to use chopsticks for the first time, though after a little while longer of practice, I got better at it. I ended up eating almost everything with chopsticks. I remembered that I was first reluctant to try eel back then when I first learned that eel is poisonous when eaten raw. But then, when I tried eel sushi for the first time, I realized how good it tasted. Ever since then, eel became my favorite type of sushi, and I always ordered the eel special whenever I feel like having sushi for lunch or dinner. I even remembered trying jellyfish for the first time and it was so good. I’d eat jellyfish at every Chinese restaurant I go to with my family on special occasions. All these exotic Chinese seafood delicacies were the most rewarding experiences I’ve ever encountered growing up.
Although, aside from my pride of being Asian, I went through a lot of recessions every day. I have experiences in the past where I was discriminated for being Chinese. Mostly in schools I went to.
The elementary school I went to have a dominantly number of Asians in their classes, which wasn’t new to me. I had a fair number of friends who were Asian and some who were white, African American, or Hispanic. But it wasn’t until when I hit junior high school, the number of Asians dropped down. I hardly made friends there because there were hardly that many Chinese in that middle school I went to. I’d normally have only a couple or a few Asians in my assigned classes. It was not enough for me. Those Asian classmates I knew back then couldn’t understand English because it was not their first language, unlike elementary school I went to prior to that. I was mostly alone and hardly made that many friends of the same race because I was so used to the American community. To be honest, Chinese was my second language, and I am only fluent in Mandarin, despite the dominantly Cantonese-speaking family I grew up from. I was born in Brooklyn, New York, and I hardly made plans to learn Chinese growing up due to English being the only language I learned ever since I was an infant. I only know several terms in Cantonese, and I also only know several terms in Mandarin. Believe me, Chinese, both Cantonese and Mandarin, are very hard to learn. I didn’t want to go through all of that, so I just went with what I know American style. Having Asian acquaintances in middle school was not the same for me, so I basically moved on from them ever since we graduated from middle school. I never bothered to search for them on Facebook because it was just not worth it. I just moved on from them and never looked back.
It wasn’t until I discovered the dark side of middle school. The dark side was that many students out thee learned about racism in history class—and that was when most middle school students start making racist jokes about us. Most of the middle school students became wannabe racists. They would start joking about racial stereotypes about the non-white community. The worst part of it all—and I do not want to hear about this at all—is that they would make racial stereotypes about the Asian community. They would say things like, “Asians don’t have friends,” “Asians are no fun because all they do is math and other schoolwork,” and the worst of all… “Asians eat dogs and cats.” When I overheard my classmates talk about these topics, I couldn’t help but to feel offended! I do not eat dog meat or cat meat; I’ve stopped eating meat for as long as I can remember. They just went on saying that we, Asians, would eat our own pets, just because that was what the Chinese people do in China. That is not true! This is America, not China, and that is definitely a racist stereotype! I was too vulnerable to retaliate to that racist statement, so all I could do was just sit in my desk and reluctantly listen to everything as I try to suppress my anger while doing my schoolwork. Ever since I heard this negative stereotype, I went as long as I could to withstand without any type of meat, so that I could prove to those “so-called racists” that not all Asians eat exotic animal flesh. This was basically the reason why I wanted to become a vegetarian growing up.
The race-related bullying didn’t stop there. It was just the beginning.
On certain times during the school day, I would hear students mocking the Chinese dialects. They would say random words that sounded Chinese, when in reality, they don’t mean anything, and they do not make sense. They would also mock the names of different types of Chinese food, like “shu mai” (shrimp and pork dumpling) and “har gow” (shrimp dumpling). I would hear many non-Asians mocking these terms in their fake Chinese accents. They would also slant their eyes back to make themselves look Asian to bully me and the other Asian students in schools. Apparently, Asian fishing has been around since like forever. I was deeply offended. It made me have these unwanted thoughts. They would come to me and say these nonsensical Chinese terms, as if I couldn’t speak English when I do. All these racial stereotypes about the Chinese truly infuriated me. They just don’t understand everything. They are really that stupid, which is one of the reasons why I don’t want to have friends. I just cannot trust them if they are going to be disrespectful towards the Asian American community.
I have suffered more than just hearing other people mocking the Chinese language. I also went through discrimination for being Chinese. I have been bullied, both physically and emotionally. I can never forget everything they have done towards me. I was told to eat dog meat by Caucasian students in middle school. I have been laughed at and told by African American students that I cannot speak English in both middle and high school, despite it being my first language. A group of girls even kicked me out of the lunch table because they don’t allow Asians. I would hear black students saying they hate Asian people out loud for us to hear. And I even have been physically harmed by any other non-Asians from all my schools just for my race. Everything they have done to me in the past has—and still—brings me post-traumatic stress. Their voices would echo inside my head, and they remained in there for a long time whenever I flashed back to when I was racially abused. Whenever I think about this kind of past, I’d get those unwanted thoughts and blamed myself for being different from anyone else. Sometimes, it sucks being the token Asian in a dominantly black, white, and Hispanic community.
High school was the worst of it all. My high school had about less than ten percent of Asian students and I was part of that less than ten percent. I was the only Asian in most of my classes. I often get emotionally abused just for being Chinese. I often get called “Chinese Girl” as if I didn’t have a name. I’ve seen other Asian students get teased and bullied by many non-Asians, and seeing that disheartens me, and it made me realized that I was not the only one who was suffering from the same type of abuse. The discrimination towards the Asian American population has been around for a long time, not just during the Covid-19 pandemic.
And I can never forget this moment that happened to me when I was a sophomore in high school. I was on my way to the train station to head home after the school day. It was winter that time, so I had earmuffs on and a heavy parka; I know, I have an eidetic memory. It wasn’t until I heard a group of students walking behind me, as if they were stalking me. I then heard them say, “Leave the Chinese girl alone!” The next thing I knew—and this still traumatizes me—someone behind me hit me on the back of my head. I turned around and they were a group of African American students from my school. They hit me again, and I ended up crying while still walking to the train station. I even fast-walked away from them and they picked up the pace to hopefully attack me again. It wasn’t until this Caucasian woman—a passerby—came to me. She witnesses the entire thing, I pondered. She asked me if I was okay, and I couldn’t speak up. The group then screamed at me as they passed by to walk ahead of me. I even heard them say that they hate Asians. And that was all I remembered. Unfortunately, I didn’t know the passerby’ name and she didn’t help that much. All she told me was that she was sorry about this whole ordeal and then walked away. Even strangers refused to help me in spite of what just happened. This proved to me that there is no such thing as a Good Samaritan in my world. This was the reason why I lacked trust in other people.
The next day after that whole incident, I got called to the dean’s office in school. Apparently, someone else in school may have witnessed it as well without my own acknowledgement and then had the audacity to report for the sake of my safety. Whoever it was, thank you. The dean talked to me about what happened that day. With trepidation, I explained everything I could without crying in front of her; as I said many times, I don’t like being seen as timid and vulnerable in front of people, so I tried to suppress my crying. The dean understood everything. She and the principal would do everything they could to track down and report those students who attacked me on my way to the train station. They also said that the school has a zero-tolerance policy on racial discrimination towards other students regardless of race. The dean even gave me advice to take the bus from now on for safety reasons. I did just that and I never took the train home ever again until I went to college. I waited as long as I could to hear back from the dean in regard to the students; unfortunately, I have not heard back pertaining to that, so I instantly assumed that the students never got reported and they have gotten away from it. It disheartens me even more. It made me assume that “racism was okay” to the school staff. So, I did nothing else and just let it slide like I always do. Ever since then, I became afraid of most of the students at that high school. I’ve had thoughts about transferring to a different school, though I never did because I loved most of my teachers in that school. I’ve always been the teachers’ favorite student ever since I first walked into that school on day one of being a freshman. Instead of going to the cafeteria for lunch, I’d be at the library or the guidance counselor’s office for safety reasons. It has always been like that ever since that incident. I just don’t want to go through the same ordeal again.
My years in college are somewhat different from what I went through in high school. At the college I went to, I realized that there were more Asians than I thought. It became a relief for me. Best of all, rather than making fun of our ethnicity, everyone respected the Asians. No racial jokes, nothing like that. I may have still been the token Asian in most of my classes, though it was rewarding to see my classmates respected me for who I am since we were too old that time to joke about other people’s ethnicities and cultures. That was how diverse the college was. I felt like I belonged there, despite the troubles and struggles I went through throughout those college years, but I learned to move on from them.
I graduated from college at the end of 2017, about two years before the Covid pandemic came. This was when things have turned around—drastically.
When everyone learned that Covid-19 originated from China, that was when the paranoia came into the picture throughout these past few years. Everyone assumed that the virus came from “eating bats,” in which it was something I never believed in. Ever since then, all the non-Asians stereotypically assumed that all Chinese eat bats, which deeply offended me, and that we, Chinese, were responsible for causing the virus. That was when the Asian hate crime became the real epidemic in the United States.
From what I have read on the online news, the Asian hate crime increased all over the US. People would accuse the Chinese of causing the virus, and they went as far as harassing the Chinese and other Asians. They would attack us with any type of force they could think of. Many of us, Asians, were brutally injured, or worse… killed. I was deeply mortified when I heard about the hate-crime victims. It made me acutely paranoid that I may be the next victim sometime in the future. Ever since then, I became so terrified of going out in public, that I became temporarily agoraphobic. I became afraid of leaving my own place for a long time, apart from getting the mail and taking out the trash. I didn’t want to leave my own condo for as long as I could. However, I still needed to go out to get groceries to feed myself, so I had to find a way to overcome it. I took baby steps and then later took adult steps. Suddenly, nothing appeared to happen, so my anxiety eventually alleviated. I got my groceries, got my Monster energy drinks, and then instantly made my way home before something happened. Nothing happened on my way home, so it became a relief for me. I then had the audacity to go out every day to run errands without any worries.
By 2023, the Covid pandemic was beginning to decrease, and so does the hate crimes against the Asians. I became more relieved when I saw the decreasing statistics. I also became satisfied when I learned about the Stop Asian Hate community; it made me realized that a myriad of Asian Americans is out there supporting one another and coming together to stop the hate. I became one of them. I became part of the community. I would do anything to save every one of us and start using our voices that were are innocent human beings who are part of the American society and that we should be treated as such. I never knew how powerful I could be in spite of my submissive personality.
Ever since then, we, Asian Americans, are still standing and we will persevere to stop the hate in the future. Nothing will stand in our way, and we will always be here to use our voices in hope to bring eternal peace in the United States.
I am proud of be Asian, and I always will, and nothing will interfere with my pride.
~~X~~
All the hate you give, you just don’t give a shit. The beatings, the blasts, when will this ever last? All the screams and cries; all the deaths, all the lies. You can run but you can’t hide. We know where you lie. You know, life’s a bitch, but that’s no excuse for shit.
Don’t turn around, get down on the ground. They will come, you are done. Handcuffs and guns on you; batons and force will do. Just because we are suspected, doesn’t mean we are infected. We are people, one in the same. We are not to blame. We are innocent lives, don’t you ever deny.
Wear a mask. Do your task. Don’t ever beat us up when we are in front. How dare you? Do you even think this is true? We are not stereotypes; we are one of a kind. That doesn’t mean you should intervene.
China, Korea, Vietnam, Thailand, Japan. Every lady, child, and man are hurt because of you by everything that you do. Hate is no excuse for all of your abuse. Give it up now, you are done. The force on you will come. You will get your just dessert. No more will you bring hurt.
Let us speak. Consequences will meet. I will never forget. Your crime is no secret. Memories of what you do. I’ll set arson to you.
~~X~~
Yes, I am a little yellow bird.
I love to eat white grains with two sticks, but I don’t speak the dialect of the bird. I wear spectacles over my eyes, but it’s not the style; I just couldn’t see without them. I don’t eat animals that are endangered around the world, I love them no matter what and I refuse to eat their flesh.
I don’t speak the bird dialect because I was born right here in the USA, so don’t treat me like I can’t speak. No matter what I am, no matter what I do, I’m still a proud little yellow bird. I still tweet, just like everyone else. I don’t even like mathematics, but I still love education. I’m just a yellow bird, wanting to learn without any interactions I just want to be alone, so I wouldn’t have to deal with all the abusive bullshit. I prefer books and cats over calculators and numbers. I prefer soy lattes over bubble teas. I’m just a little yellow bird who loved to be different with pride.
I may be an American, I may be one of a kind, but damn it… I’m still a proud little yellow bird living here in the USA.
Become a Fighter, Not a Victim <3 