You know in the movies and cartoons where characters would stand on quicksand and then they sink? This made me wonder if this was actually possible in real life. In the entertainment media, they would accidentally stand on quicksand and then they drown towards the bottom and die. This also made me wonder if it were possible to save myself if I ever got into that kind of predicament. I would see different types of methods on how to get out of the quicksand; lying down flat on your back to slow it down, keeping yourself afloat, tie a rope to a sturdy tree and pull yourself out free, or—the most doable method—hold very still. The last method has been what I always think about whenever I imagine myself sinking down to the bottom and drowning.
I think about this every day. Every day whenever I walk out of my condo to run some errands, I get the feeling as if the streets were filled with quicksand. Every day, I had to be as meticulous as I could to prevent myself from sinking towards the bottom. Every day, I have to dodge every obstacle there was right in front of me. Every day—is an obstacle for me. This has affected my everyday life. I just couldn’t find my way out of the labyrinth because of my mental health. I worry about this daily whenever I am outside to the real world.
I used to be agoraphobic during college, but that suddenly became evanescent when I realized that I still need to purchase food to feed myself, buy cleaning products to clean my condo, and get cat food to feed my cat. Back then, I suffered from anxiety whenever I go out due to the news I’ve been reading about crimes and drunk driving accidents. I didn’t want to become the next victim of a shooting, stabbing, or even get struck by inebriated drivers. All that anxiety I get made me severely afraid of everything around me. I panic every time I hear exhaust pipes going off, children’s balloons popping, a bag of potato chips popping, motorcycles revving, cars screeching and honking, sirens, and, of course, big, vicious-looking dogs barking. All of that triggers my anxiety, which became the reason why I had to be meticulous whenever I walk around the streets. It made me feel as if I was walking on quicksand. One wrong move, and then I sink into the bottom to drown in nothingness.
My bipolar disorder and borderline personality disorder both became effective when I went out. There is also quicksand full of my everyday triggers. Anything that sets me off, I will sink and drown as well. There are many worries in regard to my mental health that affected me in public. I worried about setting off my episodes out in public areas. It has always been sink or swim during my daily errands.
I worry about a doable manic episode whenever I’m in communal places. It has been a ticking time bomb. If I see something that makes me manic, I’d go off and let my instincts get the best of me. I’d be scared if I’d do something asinine, such as running around the streets like a hyper puppy or spending a lot of money on things that I don’t even need. I remembered purchasing fifty-dollar worth of food that I don’t even eat and then just letting it go to waste. I also remembered having delusions or psychotic episodes; I’d see things that weren’t there, and I’d get paranoid about someone following me or stalking me. I always let my constant paranoia get the best of me. My paranoia made me fear an upcoming disaster, like hailstorms, house fires, or even earthquakes despite their rarity here in New York. Whenever I’m paranoid about something, I’d either get mentally catatonic or make sudden erratic movements. Movements such as swatting the empty air as if I was killing a bee or turning my head back or forth as I search around my surroundings, thinking that someone is out there to get me. People would look at me as if something was wrong with me, though I’d at least try to ignore them or run away to prevent those spectators to assume that I was insane or asinine. Like I said, I don’t like being judged for my mental health. Afterwards, I’d get home right away and lock myself in my condo to prevent strangers from stalking me. All of these issues are quicksand to me; I’d have to dodge to prevent myself from sinking.
It’s also my borderline personality disorder I worry about the most. Everything around me triggers me. I fear getting irritable about seeing something I don’t like, and I’d tend to be spontaneous. I would scream and cry. I would push people out of my way as I ran past them. I would self-harm by hitting and/or cutting myself. This is something that I do not want to happen whenever I’m in communal places. The last thing I wanted was for people to interfere, either by helping me or judging me. I definitely do not want either of these two things from strangers. I just wanted to let everything out. Of course, this kind of quicksand becomes convoluted for me to avert myself from. During my BPD episodes, I instinctively run and risk myself sinking to the bottom. Most of the time, this is something that I just cannot control myself. I manipulate myself into doing hazardous activities and I just cannot stop myself from all of that happening. It’s something I’m still working on to put myself into a safe space. Same with my bipolar disorder. I’d do anything to avert myself from any triggering surroundings before I’d do something hazardous to myself. The last thing I wanted was to be sent to the institution, like last time. I really do not want to go back there. Just thinking about being locked up and watched for 24/7 is something I do not want to go through again. I despised all of that. It’s just too distressing for me. So, averting the triggering quicksand is just what I still needed to work on if I seriously do not want to go back there.
I try my best to not let my paranoia get the best of me. I just can’t help myself whenever I am outside. Everything I mentioned still happens today. Everywhere is quicksand to me. I try my best to prevent myself from sinking and drowning. I tried to control my mental health everywhere I go, otherwise I would sink and drown.
If it weren’t for all the things that happened to me in the past, none of this would ever happen. I guess, for now, I just have to find my way out of it. If I ever stood on quicksand, I might as well remain catatonic to prevent myself from going all the way down to the bottom until someone out there would save my life.
It’s the only way for me to survive.
-Nicole Cheng, 2024
Become a Fighter, Not a Victim <3 